merry christmas everyone...cheers...
it has been a long time since i last blogged..

how many can really understand how i am feeling now...
though still standing..it's as if a pillar has fallen...
the structure is no longer stable..

argh..the feeling of lost has returned...
this time stronger...
i dont blame anyone..
just myself...

i'm so sorry for the so many inconveniences i have brought...
i dont want to cause anymore harm...
i'm sorry...
i know that time cannot turn back anymore...
the many questions remain unanswered...

dont worry though..
i am still fine...
i will go on...
you all will still see joanne as she is...
but....

sighs of relief heaved...
tears dropped..
smiles erased...
words whispered..
one issue so many different opinions...
different emotions...
mixed feelings...

i live on...
i will keep going..
be more fair to me...

been thinking..
since when was life ever fair?
did it even matter?

hope the path would be smoother from nw on..
all the best...

thanks for ur concern girl..
but seriously it wouldnt hv mattered
things over le so yeah
dont worry about me..
didnt tell you cos there's no pt..
u had such different views..
from the beginning till nw..
u hv spoken in 2 v diff tongues...

i dont understand..
but nvm..
hmmm...

belated thanks to all for ur birthday wishes..
hehe...in order? hah..
first to alvin..liping...ning ning..
wendy..guan siang..lishan..
andy..dao jian..zihao..
jasmine teo..tai chong..
xinwei...vivian..shaohao..
lih tyng..aylwin..yuhan..meng wee..
all these are mainly smses..
thanks to all...
then to wendy..taichong..sophia n peiyu for spending e day with me..
jas for turnin up to surprise me..
and then horsieee for dinner with me..
hmmm..also thanks for the 20th ya?
kingkong was good..carls junior was better..=)
fatal indulgence!!!thanks to all for makin my day(s).
to my collection 3 tees...one big big baby taz..test tube..
thanks....

cheers to all...tke care ba..

this is the colour of my mood nw ba.. argh...
it's over already
been dreading the arrival of this day..
but it has..
though the outcome was the most expected..
but i really really feel v..
i duno hw i'll get over it but dun wori i'll..
i chose to step into it and nw i leave with no regrets..
maybe it's those people up there ba.
my path was meant to go this wy...
='(
to u..move on ba..dun wori
i'll wish u all the best..really..
pls do tke care of urself...
u deserve e bez alright..?
pls continue to do what is right k?
i'm still here as a friend...hugs

i dun want to believe anymore..
it's just not meant to be..
feel so...
i just want to go away...

tke care...

hi all..long time since my last post..MIA for some time aredi so just decided to create another post as i cool dwn.. well well... last paper was a total stunner.. totally lost.. but nvm over for more than a week aredi..meanwhile trying to enjoy as much as i can.. hmm..started my first driving lesson already..quite an experience on monday morning.. 2nd time i tried to 'drive' a car..haha.. enjoyed e lesson hopefuli all goes well..
it's an irony reali an irony...guess i m reali lost for words? i mean in a way i nv expected things to turn out this way..ha.. some ppl just nv change... i told u cos i wanted so much to complain la.. nv expecting u to tell her...to YOU...what mkes u any different from her? i guessed as much already... that's why to all..be careful who u trust.. HAHA.
hmm...since there's nothing more u'd like to ask from me, jolly well...over here i wish u all the best in ur future endeavours..dont have to thank me for anything that i did... justy tke it that i didnt do it for u.. just doing it for myself..time we both got over it aredi ba...if u want to treat me like hw u used to, i'll br glad..o/rwise..reali glad that our paths crossed..tke good care alright.. cheers...
horsieeeeee..thanks for going to get the racket with me and abt the skirts..dun wori wil hv chance one ba....:P roars!! bite bite
to all enjoy ur holidays!!! =) cheers!

back at home..didnt bring my laptop back..brother is out for his exams.. for nus actualli to hv an exam on a saturday...amazing..my laz pp on mon.. materials science...hmmz.. still studying.. well...let's hope for the best then..=)
it's coming to the end of the exams already... i'm starting my driving lessons soon... yupz.. well.. hope all's well
sigh...
horsieee sori but....
to all tke care.
good luck for the exams...

one more paper to go...=) duno hw i'll fare for the rest of the papers but hopefully i dun have to see any more of them next sem...
i hv stopped believing after that phase in jc yr2..though things went on as usual..but deep in me, things were no longer the same...that particular day laz yr..she told me that there were ppl struggling more than me that if i gave up on myself..no one would be able to help me.. it took a long while before that fact sunk in.. e internal struggle at that period of time was something that really threw me deep down into the pits...slowly i made my way up..the climb was never ez.. a yr plus dwn the road...i'm walking..i'm on flat ground again w regards to this...i've gotten out of that pit. it was only this yr..that i started walkin away from that pit..i decided to leave behind that bag.. the climb became easier..and i got out... it took so long...that bag contained so much...but nw it's gone..
am thankful for the ppl who stood by me...thanks.. u opened my eyes to things... i saw who the true frens were..thanks..reali appreciate it..
it's ironic though hw some things are..
knowing things will never be the same again..
well...
deleted some comments from my blog...i guess it just wasnt appropriate. dont know what to say bt jus didnt feel like explainin why i did it...ya.. maybe i gv e person the wrong impression but nvtheless..
hmm..horsieee....hugs tight...=)
to all cheers....

hmm..i've a life science paper tml..so tryin to relax abit now..decided not to cramp anymore things into my already saturated brain..hehe..
actually am writing this with a very heavy heart...big sigh.. studies aside..well it's come to this point where i know what i want..but it has also become clearer to me that i cannot have what i want.. contradicting huh? but that's really how i feel ba...but even if it may turn out that i cannot have what i want...i shall have no regrets.. maybe it's fated..walk along..see where it brings us too...again if its meant to be, it'll be...horsieee..all these is to u..dont think so much le..hugs tight.. do what u need to ok..what u r responsible for k? remember i'm here with u...
we gain as we lose...well...study hard to all...
cheers..hugs...

actually the reality of it never struck me so hard before.. suddenly i realised hw minute the chances of it happening are..maybe i should have heeded advice in the first place..but that was too long ago.. am i beginning to turn into someone i said i wont..? many things are not predictable.. one day i may be infront of u but the next moment i may be gone.. realised that if i done open my heart out.. i'll only be putting lots of pressure on myself.. maybe it's all worth it, maybe it isnt.. but who can give me the answer..? keep things simple ba..it'll probably be easier for u.. i dont ask for much... just give me what u can and i'll be happy already..ok? horsieeee...hugs.

and i guess i've really lost u already...such closure i tink is what i have desired right..? maybe i really dun tell u things anymore.. think u have also decided to completely ignore me.. but that's fine as long as u r happy...unfortunately...but probably fortunately for u... all the best.. u tke care.. and sorry i can never be there anymore...

back into her own world she retreats...never intending to step out much anymore...she has nothing much left out there anyway...living the way that's best for her..away from the daylight..be who she is.. hidden..(to U..thanks 4 being such a great fren..to share w..cheers..)

to all cheers..tke care of yourselves... good luck for remaining papers...

argh...examz r tml.. i hv 2 papers tml... having dinner nw... all alone in hall... my paper starts e earliest... sad huh? haha.. eating all by myself... sigh... e anxiety is here again!!! help!!!!
i didit again...
sorry.... horsieee..hugs tight.
growing...w e a k e r...
n 2 u..i hope u'd stop mking me feel so lowly
wad u wana say..i dun wana argue anymore...
at leat nw u know hw it felt like in e pst..nt knowin anything...
dun have 2 repeat over n over de...
k..time 2 study...jia you...

hi..it's me again..just gett9 away from my notes for awhile.. yet again some thoughts came into my mind.. sigh..
can u tell me how many times u have lied to me..?
im no angel... never one...
i'm beginning to feel selfish...
i dont want to share anymore...
i can almost tolerate no more..
i probably deserved it...
: : suddenly i'm all alone: :
i kept my promise.. but i'm feeling terrible..
can't u just set me free from all these...
argh.. u never really understood how i felt..
maybe it's not ur fault cos i nv told u..
i dun want to hurt...
sigh...
: : horsieee...hugs on2 u: :
well..should get back to my studying..
tke care to all... see u all again...cheers..

just came back from class..no lessons tml...yippie.. i've no lessons tml but my exams start next week like on wednesday.. sigh.. then realised no way i could scrape thru my environmental quality w/o studying for it.. hahaha... oopz. hmmx..
physics quiz was ok for today.. yup..nothing much.. think they trying to make everyone pass ba..
horsieee is not ard.. sigh..
exams..arghhhhhhhhh!!

hi..it's raining out there, feeling cold..sigh... some thoughts..
can u understand how i am feeling?
why i am doing all these?
i cant tell u the reason why,
but i want u to be happy..
forgive me....='(
sorry..really...
tke care to all...

learn to live with it or suffer.. something i learn.. there's a limit to my tolerance.mind u pls dun push ur luck too far..i dun intend to let things turn ugly..sigh.. having dinner.. maggie.. something simple for a change...tke care to all.. burning inside................ arGH!!!

hi to all..long time since i last blogged eh... supposed to be sleepin already but somehw or rather, cant get to sleep again.. sigh.. stressed up..exams comin and i'm still struggling with my tutorials.. big big sigh... tired..duno.. sometimes just feel so hopeless.. just dont wanna do anything anymore..sigh...
something on e positive note..spent time on sat with the 04 ppl...celebrated lishan's birthday.. romantic thing jianhao did for her.. heehee... hmmm.. then sunday was yet another special day..=) cheers horsieeee! hehe..hugs and thanks...for the wonderful time...grinx...
well.. some things happen when u least expect it.. u never know... sigh.. did it mean something else? it's broken..sigh... =(
another chapter..another phase... seriously do i mind... i dont... i really dont.. tke care to all ya..? hmm..2 that particular u... it is but a small distance...it's not a factor as long as u can overcome it...

jo signs off...feeling totally hopeless... someone...help...

hi..sometimes u just cant help it but get so irritated... argh..sigh.. duno wad's wrong with this world where nothing goes as expected..shouldnt have returned hm this wkend..bt like wad i said.didnt expect things to be like tt... fine..u all can tke it that i'm unfeeling..go ahead. i just dont know how to face things.suckz man.
came hm happily but now already feel so lost...well... whatever...
as it goes...happiness does not belong...
need motivation to do wk..my exams are coming...

hi all...i'm back...well..it's taking a toll on me.. decided to just..let it go...why make life so difficult for oneself...thanks horsy...i'll be fine... cooled it already..dont know what i'd do w/o u by my side.. hugs..
this thing has gone on for so long already...no point..really dont deserve to be so upset by all these. well..forgive n live by it..what can i do..? sigh..nothing can be done anywy..though damage has been done..so whaT? cheers...
wei horsy... just a short note to u..dont always give in to me alright..? when i go overboard let me know..cause u dun deserve all these nonsense from me alright? you ah...dun let me become so ba4 dao4 ok...sorry...hugs tight...thx for understanding...
and da ge ya..da ge..ya. i'll let it be dont worry. u tke care..
to all..cheers n take care....

just go away...i'm pissed off nw..realli reali down...damn...

ha..dumbest person u can find around here..--> me...
had a class outing today..went to changi airport to play badminton with 04/03..havent seen them 4 a long time. hahaha..one of the largest turn out ever...all the girls were present..then guys included zhaoyi, zitong, shili, jianhao, weijian, fengfu, daojian, yadong, brian...well...it's prob be last class gathering i'm attending...dont ask me y... ppl..take care..
totally disappointed..utterly upset... am i such a lowly person... do i deserve all these...damn damn damn! yes...i'm always the one causing all these huh...no one's fault..it's mine huh...yes. i'm the sacarstic one. i'm the one who doesnt bother anymore. yes. i'll take everything. i'm not upset. this doesnt affect me at all..nothing has happened...! indeed. i never bothered..i never tried. i'm the useless one. it's a right choice u make nt to remain in my life. all i cause is trouble. i dun need things to change 360 degrees... i'm cold blooded.................... damnnnnnn.

haiz..yes..i am the unreasonable one.. i'm no different. i'm sorry. maybe i really dont deserve it at all.. arGH.....jo! stop it.

finally got back home.. using the com at long last. ha..been at hostel the past week n didnt bring my laptop back so didnt manage to use much la.. yup.here i am now blogging..this week has been an eventful one...but it's coming to the end of mid-term break already..having two quizzes next week..sigh..okie.. mon i went tm mac to study.. quite conducive also..wed thurs n fri had stuff in sch..oh well.. dunno wad2say..maybe punctuality doest count in ntu...lol..

well..so much has been thru my mind..sorry horsy....thinking alot..guess it was scary to react in that way but..sigh..i almost snapped..hope u understand that i have my reasons 4 doing so.. i'm sorry. well...forgive me i hope but if u dun..i'll nv blame u..i'm e 1 who caused things 2 become like this...sorry..

it was terrible..nv felt this bad before...was looking for ppl but every1 seemed away on that day.. in the end ended up with me alone in the room..by myself.. thoughts flowing..didnt catch a wink.. wondered if what i did was right. sorry... i just needed to be sure. i blame myself for so many things that has happened.. i know u understand..i'm sorry 4 making things so difficult...ARgH...just want u to be fine that's what most impt. do tke care.. hugs tight.

to all...tke care yaya..? good luck to those having quizzes...cheers...

it's sunday..beginning of the mid-term break. did my maths tutorials over today.. great achievement. long time since i did so much work at one go.. ought to feel guilty abt it huh. well.. did catch a few shows on tv here and there..ya..

dun feel good.. thinking again...the realities in life.. never know what is behind that wall..never know what lies ahead for u. sorry. sometimes..it's good to be pessimistic..at least u dun be blinded by stuff which arent true right..irritating that each time u try to be positive u just get dragged down.well that's life. nothing much u can do abt it..

sighhhhhh... if only...

to all take care...