i read e past entries until i could no longer take it anymore..i need to step out of it... i m takin too long..am i nt tryin at all..bu yao zai zuo bie ren de fu dan...ARgh..dun be a burden anymore..pls..
ever asked urself wad u r living for...? wad r u looking for in life...?
if things are nv meant to go ur wy..they wont no matter wad u do...if u cant accept it tat's too bad huh... i couldnt..maybe i m nt tryin..bt like who cares..
how am i supposed to talk myself out of it when i dont even know wad's going wrong.. u feel it bt u cant describe it..whatever...................
wk is ending in 3 days time..hai...nt sure if i'll be able to find something to last me that 2 last wks...shall see..started estimating the expenses...geex..how am i goin to afford it..? giving tuition isnt a bad idea bt after that one month e o/r time...i've lost total hope le.. CraP.
what's wrong..........? argH..i reali dun knoe.

hmm..to let things return to wad they used to be before..? possible...? i duno.
it isnt a good sign when i start to shut myself..it isnt....why allow more people into my life if what i m going to do is simply to hurt...who will stay in and who will stay out is not up to me to decide...
i broke not knowin the reason..it sucks...shutting away e reason..? CRAP....
my temp job at CPF ends soon..this wk..going 4 camp next wk...maybe i shud ask to leave earlier..
to U..think u prob know who u r..i m tryin 2 distract myself bt i am failin doesnt matter....sorry..bt i tried..
to see is to believe...to hide is to deceive....deceiving is what i am doing....................

went to cut my hair...to those who know me well enough..it always mean something when i do.. ARGH.... hMm... isnt it..? think it's stil more or less e same length..but much less...well..doesnt matter...
ha...time is running...? maybe ba..
what u said has made me ponder upon what i really am doing.. dun force me anymore... thank u..... what's e point..?
Sorry...maybe u dont want to hear this..but..it's my fault aint it...? since it is..why bother to say anything..?
I m still unable to change that part of me..i still dont like to talk. i know ppl prob wont be v willing to do it... appreciate it even if u were just sitting there in silence with me...blah....
Pessimism doesnt bring one far... i know that...dont worry.
..........................................aaarghhhhhhhhhhh.......this shouldnt be happenin... bt sadly..i allowed it to...and yet when i fell in i couldnt pull myself out anymore.....
'girl' dun worry..what is on top has nothing to do w wad i told u...:) see u soon...
U life is startin... lookin 4ward..?...i duno.
Things are no longer real anymore....i said it befor and i say it again....
Wei...i will let u know....i know u wont force me..pls take care k...HUgz....
to all take care......

never knew it would be this tong xin to do it.. I am selfish...have always been... deceiving... i will stop. stop doing anything at all... i dont deserve anything... anything at all... it isnt goin to be easy anymore.......

everything is going wrong.. what am i doing to myself..? this is total crap. i created a total mess out of everything... ARGH................this isnt me anymore. stay away.. i dont want to hurt..stop me before i do so.....

..been a week plus already..'Girl' sorry i know u've been trying to get me online.. i havent been saying alot but i can tell u that things arent turning out the way ba.. sorry for having to tell u this this way... i guess it's the only way.. dont see what's on the cover..it's deceiving...
Think i m stopping work in two week's time or maybe earlier..doesnt matter much anyway..it's been close to 6 months already.. it's time also ba.. Went for medical checkup in NTU the other day then went to apply for loan.. then went back to work..
how do i feel about all these happening..? Maybe it's better not to know.. please dont have so much confidence in me..cos that is not exactly the way i feel at all ok? dont harbour high hopes.. i dont want to end up disappointing anyone or myself.. i dont dream anymore cos i cant afford to lose it..
That's life right.. rough goin and what have u.. remember in life nothing lasts. Things come n go..
now u know why i dont like to talk? i should just shut up. i rather i kept quiet than end up offending people right..? even if it's not what i mean.. It doesnt matter whether i talk about how i'm feeling right..
horsy...Sorry for how i've been for the past few days... if it happens again..just let me be.. i dont want to hurt you in anyway ok...sorry.. now u know how little self-control of my temper already.. thanks for being around but i really dun wish to do this to you..dont tell me it's ok.. cos i feel terrible ok... Hugs tight..
to all take care.. uni life is startin already.. take gd care.
things have changed..but dont worry, i will make an exit in silence...

harloex.... hmmz. well...knee is hurting again... isnt good but i guess it's fine.. when i stop work in a couple of weeks' time i hope it goes back to normal...
Distance apart but 'girl' dont worry... some things are just not my way. nothing i can do right..? even if there is something that can be done...geex...i guess i no longer want to.. i intend to wait..just wait.. haz...:P
Wei horsY..enjoy urself in KL ok... be careful too alright...? HUgz....
Have been wkin for about 5 months le.. How much have i learnt...? today didnt pass v well @ wk.. i learnt some things.. some things i guess when u truly step in2 e wk force u'll eventually learn.. whatever.. BLah...
tired...take care...

wei girl..thanks... i know u have been there n dont wish to see the same thing happening to me.. but the ball is not in my hands now... there's nothin i can do about it... So many times i thought whatever happened last year will again...geex..gan jue zhen de hen bu hao...

Running away isnt a good way to settle things...but escaping always seem to be the way out when all u want is some peace...at least be away frm everything for awhile? i know hurtin oneself and taking things out on oneself isnt goin to help..geex...but when u are feelin so tired..so .... u just dont know anymore.

For the so many things that are happenin.. I am glad that u people are around....thanks alot.. i m sorry for the so many inconveniences that i am givin... i love all of u.. and i appreciate u all for all u all have done...thanks 4 bein around me..it's not any of u..it's jus me..i cant get over e barrier..it's been too long.. never thought i would end up becomin so weak........

to all pls take care...rest well....

the same question has returned to me recently..why is it that the people u care for the most always hurt u the most...? can anyone answer me..? someone once answered me that it is because those u dont care about cant hurt u.. who knows..? i question....
sick n tired of everything....i know those who care will get worried... but... haiz... forget it la..Sorry. Just sorry.
sleep came on and off last night.. it wasnt very gd.. but ya at least i lazed on the bed till around 10... finished readin the Runnin Man n started on The BIg Bad Wolf...
Went swimmin just now.... i guess it was the peak period? was tryin hard to avoid all that crowd in the pool...
things will just never be the same again...to say i dun care would be lyin..
to all take care..Hugz.