it has been a month since i last blogged..how's everyone..? already went thru 2 freshmen orientations, one for MSE and other for HALL1..ya..so many things happened...would take too long if i were to update all...so shall just leave it as it is..was welcomed into the AERO and SIMPSONS families...both U life and Hall life has started..hopefully all goes well for me..TimeTable is stil ok for me..getting used to the new life in school already..still need time to get around the school though..haha.

Many many changes have taken place ever since...not sure what to think of them..no doubt some be good while some be bad..bt nevertheless...what can u do bt learn2adapt? haz..the expenses have began to go up..the notes, whoa..getting my own laptop soon..great..something of my own soon...

i know u're havin a hard time nw..goin through all these...bt i know u'll go thru it..i believe in u..yupz..
goin thru a time now...arGH..dont knw how everything is goin to turn out just hope all is well...but i will hold on to tt belief..

to all take care...will blog again..prob when i get my laptop...ha..cheers.

i read e past entries until i could no longer take it anymore..i need to step out of it... i m takin too long..am i nt tryin at all..bu yao zai zuo bie ren de fu dan...ARgh..dun be a burden anymore..pls..
ever asked urself wad u r living for...? wad r u looking for in life...?
if things are nv meant to go ur wy..they wont no matter wad u do...if u cant accept it tat's too bad huh... i couldnt..maybe i m nt tryin..bt like who cares..
how am i supposed to talk myself out of it when i dont even know wad's going wrong.. u feel it bt u cant describe it..whatever...................
wk is ending in 3 days time..hai...nt sure if i'll be able to find something to last me that 2 last wks...shall see..started estimating the expenses...geex..how am i goin to afford it..? giving tuition isnt a bad idea bt after that one month e o/r time...i've lost total hope le.. CraP.
what's wrong..........? argH..i reali dun knoe.

hmm..to let things return to wad they used to be before..? possible...? i duno.
it isnt a good sign when i start to shut myself..it isnt....why allow more people into my life if what i m going to do is simply to hurt...who will stay in and who will stay out is not up to me to decide...
i broke not knowin the reason..it sucks...shutting away e reason..? CRAP....
my temp job at CPF ends soon..this wk..going 4 camp next wk...maybe i shud ask to leave earlier..
to U..think u prob know who u r..i m tryin 2 distract myself bt i am failin doesnt matter....sorry..bt i tried..
to see is to believe...to hide is to deceive....deceiving is what i am doing....................

went to cut my hair...to those who know me well enough..it always mean something when i do.. ARGH.... hMm... isnt it..? think it's stil more or less e same length..but much less...well..doesnt matter...
ha...time is running...? maybe ba..
what u said has made me ponder upon what i really am doing.. dun force me anymore... thank u..... what's e point..?
Sorry...maybe u dont want to hear this..but..it's my fault aint it...? since it is..why bother to say anything..?
I m still unable to change that part of me..i still dont like to talk. i know ppl prob wont be v willing to do it... appreciate it even if u were just sitting there in silence with me...blah....
Pessimism doesnt bring one far... i know that...dont worry.
..........................................aaarghhhhhhhhhhh.......this shouldnt be happenin... bt sadly..i allowed it to...and yet when i fell in i couldnt pull myself out anymore.....
'girl' dun worry..what is on top has nothing to do w wad i told u...:) see u soon...
U life is startin... lookin 4ward..?...i duno.
Things are no longer real anymore....i said it befor and i say it again....
Wei...i will let u know....i know u wont force me..pls take care k...HUgz....
to all take care......

never knew it would be this tong xin to do it.. I am selfish...have always been... deceiving... i will stop. stop doing anything at all... i dont deserve anything... anything at all... it isnt goin to be easy anymore.......

everything is going wrong.. what am i doing to myself..? this is total crap. i created a total mess out of everything... ARGH................this isnt me anymore. stay away.. i dont want to hurt..stop me before i do so.....

..been a week plus already..'Girl' sorry i know u've been trying to get me online.. i havent been saying alot but i can tell u that things arent turning out the way ba.. sorry for having to tell u this this way... i guess it's the only way.. dont see what's on the cover..it's deceiving...
Think i m stopping work in two week's time or maybe earlier..doesnt matter much anyway..it's been close to 6 months already.. it's time also ba.. Went for medical checkup in NTU the other day then went to apply for loan.. then went back to work..
how do i feel about all these happening..? Maybe it's better not to know.. please dont have so much confidence in me..cos that is not exactly the way i feel at all ok? dont harbour high hopes.. i dont want to end up disappointing anyone or myself.. i dont dream anymore cos i cant afford to lose it..
That's life right.. rough goin and what have u.. remember in life nothing lasts. Things come n go..
now u know why i dont like to talk? i should just shut up. i rather i kept quiet than end up offending people right..? even if it's not what i mean.. It doesnt matter whether i talk about how i'm feeling right..
horsy...Sorry for how i've been for the past few days... if it happens again..just let me be.. i dont want to hurt you in anyway ok...sorry.. now u know how little self-control of my temper already.. thanks for being around but i really dun wish to do this to you..dont tell me it's ok.. cos i feel terrible ok... Hugs tight..
to all take care.. uni life is startin already.. take gd care.
things have changed..but dont worry, i will make an exit in silence...

harloex.... hmmz. well...knee is hurting again... isnt good but i guess it's fine.. when i stop work in a couple of weeks' time i hope it goes back to normal...
Distance apart but 'girl' dont worry... some things are just not my way. nothing i can do right..? even if there is something that can be done...geex...i guess i no longer want to.. i intend to wait..just wait.. haz...:P
Wei horsY..enjoy urself in KL ok... be careful too alright...? HUgz....
Have been wkin for about 5 months le.. How much have i learnt...? today didnt pass v well @ wk.. i learnt some things.. some things i guess when u truly step in2 e wk force u'll eventually learn.. whatever.. BLah...
tired...take care...

wei girl..thanks... i know u have been there n dont wish to see the same thing happening to me.. but the ball is not in my hands now... there's nothin i can do about it... So many times i thought whatever happened last year will again...geex..gan jue zhen de hen bu hao...

Running away isnt a good way to settle things...but escaping always seem to be the way out when all u want is some peace...at least be away frm everything for awhile? i know hurtin oneself and taking things out on oneself isnt goin to help..geex...but when u are feelin so tired..so .... u just dont know anymore.

For the so many things that are happenin.. I am glad that u people are around....thanks alot.. i m sorry for the so many inconveniences that i am givin... i love all of u.. and i appreciate u all for all u all have done...thanks 4 bein around me..it's not any of u..it's jus me..i cant get over e barrier..it's been too long.. never thought i would end up becomin so weak........

to all pls take care...rest well....

the same question has returned to me recently..why is it that the people u care for the most always hurt u the most...? can anyone answer me..? someone once answered me that it is because those u dont care about cant hurt u.. who knows..? i question....
sick n tired of everything....i know those who care will get worried... but... haiz... forget it la..Sorry. Just sorry.
sleep came on and off last night.. it wasnt very gd.. but ya at least i lazed on the bed till around 10... finished readin the Runnin Man n started on The BIg Bad Wolf...
Went swimmin just now.... i guess it was the peak period? was tryin hard to avoid all that crowd in the pool...
things will just never be the same again...to say i dun care would be lyin..
to all take care..Hugz.

just as well..jus as well... Argh... the week has gone by.. it's monday again.. e weekend has been hard to pass.. truly difficult... again.. time has passed.... it's already the end of May.. it has been weeks or rather months ever since it first happened... how long more...? how much more can i take....? CRaP... 'within the laughing clown.. e tears that lie beneath....'
Was out w alvin, sandy, shirley n her frens after wk on Sat... went blading at east coast.. indeed the fear of something always holds one back... didnt fall..went quite safely over a few humps...well... then went over to bugis w all of them.. just as well...
wei, thanks 4 being there that day w me... HUgs tight...
if not for all these things going on.. i wouldnt have realised how perfect my life is...INDEED... maybe this isnt all to it.. but for now, it's enough.. pls... ArGh....just weak or what... i m not the onli one... i know tat...
" U threw me into it.. now i have to climb up... thanks 4 it.... if i cant climb out... ... ..."

halo... if a decision has to be made now.. i'd make one..
mistake it may be..? certain i cannot be..
memories it may be.. reality i hope it'd be...
assurance is what i need... who'd give it to me...?
haha...crap..something i came up with... Been lyin around the whole day.. took mc off wk.. coughin away.. still ok i guess... but m still tired.. still achin all over... bleah..
the goin hasnt been easy.. 'girl' u dun worry too.. i will be fine.. u also take care...
to all take care ba......

yuppiex.. it's a holiday today... slept alot today but e aches just wouldnt go away.. my cough too.. but i guess it's ok ba..well... ya.. went to the Big Walk yesterday.. haz.. realised that today is already the 23rd of May, marks my fifth month working already..how time flies huh.. n in a few more days...... haiz.. i dont know.. dont know exactly wad to say..i know i shouldnt be avoidin all the time... but.. sorry for makin u sound like the bad guy... who knows.. i may just be the one who's e bad one around... it takes two hands to clap.. i already snapped.. who's goin to be the one to repair me...? things have turned out like that for us ever thought why it did... because of me? maybe.. come next week i dont know what's goin to happeN..
I have lost... lost the battle against myself... against things around me.. what's going to happen..? too used to keepin things to myself already. it just continues to build up.... Geex... so i just let it..i dont know. i have given up b4... it jus felt good...
wei horsy...thanks for the pi pa gao and for turnin up today...appreciate it lots..hugs... dun worry, i'll be fine ok...?
take care

:'(... on e bus journey home, i couldnt take it anymore.. i let them flow.....

hi, it is mid week already... i spent my last sunday mainly sleepin ba... then went out to compasspoint to walk around... returned home to lay down on the bed.. then i drifted off again... i didnt know i could get so upset again..sigh.. my whole night was gone, totally... i was lost all over again... why did things turn out like that..? as it goes, nothing began so why should i get upset over it.. ya..easy said... crap.. to think u could say that to me...? did it matter to u how it'd feel..? no right..? whatever ba...
Well.. everything i do doesnt please anyone.. i may matter to you all but it is not what i feel of it.. if all u all care about is trying to show me how MUCH i matter by showin all your concern to them, and tryin to ci4 ji1 me right in front of me, i beg u all, pls just stop it ok... i m takin things too seriously.. but mind wad u all say can..? the hurt u all have given me is too much le.. i wont say it in your face..because i still care how u all feel but ...4get it...i came back with some snacks today..and u tell me u dun wan CHEAP food..? fine w me.. dont eat it.
To things that can never have any conclusion i should jus let go..? To stop thinkin wouldnt be possible.. haiz. thankfully i still have u around me..thanks... Hugz..
When things go wrong, it's life, when things go ok, it's life.. doesnt tt make life everything..? It is a puzzle, pieces of it are already missing, lost for good.. these pieces, i have given up looking for them already.. forget it...i'd try.. new pieces just makes it looks more interesting... ? haz..:P some things will never be the same again. i know that...
at some pt.. i almost felt like letting go already... i m tired..
CHeers... who doesnt want to be happY... to those keepin up spirits up.. thank u... i love u all...:)

hIz.. it has come to the end of the week already..i m havin trouble passin some of my time.. haiz. the night passes really slowly for me... been tossin..headache has been on... here's my weeK...
took my basic theory test on Mon at 845 with Sandy... Yuppiex... was ok la.. hahx..i came out w two confirm wrong ans.. sandy was v ji dong after e test...:) her fren came fetch us back to wk... reported back at 11.. then took leave for wed..caroline approved it...
wed came n passed.. i left hm at 6+...been so long since i felt so much at ease... to the U who gave it to me.. thanks so much huh...huggiex... watched hse of wax... then went up mount faber... nice nice scenery.. to those who havent been up there much.. go...haz..took some pics up there..nice..well.. i duno how 2 post... so if u all wan2 see..ask me..hahaz.. it will be a most memorable wednesday, heartwarmin memory for some time... thanks horsey...
on thurs n fri back to wk... been counting down the hours slowly... it has been hard ba.. accepted ntu's materials engineerin on thurs.. nus offered me arts n social sciences... made a choice.. but it didnt seem to go too well w some people.. haix.. four years into studyin.. am i sure about that..? i duno... received my Basic Theory test results.. n....i passed! yeah..relieved.
argh...my headache is killing me.. and it comes w no notice... haIx.. i dun wan2 see the doc... i dun wan2 find out that there's something wrong w me..
i m still struggling inside.. a year after... that positive joanne no more ever since i lost it a yr+ ago... the one cheery person is no more...in simpler terms-gone. i have tried... n i have failed... will i find it back..? i cant let it go. i cant accept it either.. y make my life so miserable for myself. i dun expect much anymore.. do u know that..? i m losing it......

haiz..it's happening again.. AGAIN! Crap..how many times do u want this to happen? have u ever wondered how i'd feel? NO...? THANK U so much for doin this to me yet n again.. u know you ppl are supposed to be my dearest ppl... but wad am i getting...? it has been a week..? u know wad..? right now i am feeling like so wonderful..u all know that...?? i have been keepin it all to myself...u all know tat? ok..no you all dont..how would u all ever..all u expect me to do is to be wad u all think would look good on u all..fine with me.. if all these is wad u all want.. i'll give it to u.
i dont know..i've got nothing to say...

upset? i dont know..i dont know how i am feelin now.. Crap.. hmm.. i'm sorry for the so many things that have happened.. haiz.. i know that sorry doesnt always mean anything..? or by the number of times i've used it, it no longer matters..? argh.. have been experiencing the many ups and downs.. the way i go on i'd soon lose even the person i'm depending a lot on now.. geex..
tk care.. i dont know if i'm responsible for the things going wrong for u.. i'm sorry if i am.. just make sure u tk good care of urself k..
well.. just received letter from ntu.. offered a place in materials engineering.. Yuppiex.. will have to see if nus offers me anything..then i'll decide..?
ya..was posted back to tampines after a week or so at call centre.. hahz. then it has been a wk at tampines again.. now doin a lot of e-lobby.. standing a lot..kind of taking a toll on my right knee though..hope it isnt too bad ba.. ya...
take care.

hilo..ended wk at 945 am 2day..hahaz. cannot believe it right..tml no wk as well.. well..back to blogging again.. geex. know what? i'm simply confused now.. dont know what is happening to me..sigh. i've made a stand and i prob should kp by it.. i know that and i'm trying.. i have to kp by it..there's no other alternative anymore. geex. i'm v luan now. i dont knw wad u r thinkin and i wish i'd..but i know it's not going to be ez.. haiz nvm.. right now just live by wad is comfortable..? ez said, but nv done. haz.. i dont know..i'm just letting time pass..
would like to thank some ppl thou i know u prob wouldnt be reading this.. grinx..thankx ar horse... hmm. life is one whole puzzle..though i have alreadi lost some pieces.. it's ok..at least those pieces remind me of what happened b4..take care ba... HUgz...

hmm..i kind of lost my job on friday..everything came as a surprise.. was told that saturday would be my last day at CPFB.. sad right? i was feeling bad on one hand but e other am glad to be able to get away for awhile..hmm.. but yest afternoon received call from adecco asked if i wanted to go back to CPF.. why not right..will be back at main office..starts tml..well..i've got mixed feelings about it though..wish me the best ba.. hmmx. so i have a job again...lol..
Have met different ppl in my job so far..am glad for the presence of some ppl yet totally disliked the presence of others.. indeed this job as widen my view in many many ways lor.. hmmx.. yeah.. well well.. duno la..
Hmmz.. there's a new beginning to something,, it feels weird..not sure if this is the right way to due with it.. but i really dont mind..? maybe it's just for this period of time.. hmmx.. take care ba.. dont think too much and dont worry too much.. cos i'll be there.. i miss the 04 gals.. take care till we meet again..