wanted to try a new blogskin so here goes...i like it.
yeah..holidays have started. i am now searching for a job...hopefully i find one soon. i want to get away from all the things that are going on in my mind.
to this friend.. i dont know if u still read my blog cos u dont have a com at home... well..but i really dont know how to do it. i can only think of 'going away'...i'm sorry but i dont seem to be able to grasp on much le..right now i dont know what would happen..i told u i would look you up again after i 'come back'..but i dont know how long it'd take..so if u do see this..i want to just ask you to take care of yourself alright...and i am glad you were around.Cheers.

i miss the sea..

what you all see is just surface...
below it the currents are strong..
and even the fish find it difficult to live on.

the exams are over..at long last... i've been waiting for so long...this time round i have started studying much earlier than the previous semester but sad to say i am quite disappointed in myself. but yet again what can i say right?i started watching this korean drama my girl this afternoon, and am intending to finish it tonight. hopefully i can stay awake..i spent the whole morning packing the stuff in my room..yes i m moving out of hall tomorrow afternoon...i have many many bags of things and hopefully everything fits into the car. After shifting out of hall, i guess many things will change in the next few months. well...put it this way after the exams ended it was like a big stone lifted but yes there is another stone there to be lifted...
there is something that has been bugging me... and i guess i am going to try settle it in the coming weeks. i dont intend to seek the truth or try to think of other alternatives... honestly yes i am hurt. hurt by myself...hurt by others...sigh...yes its going to be a painful decision but the further on it drags, it'll jus going to do more damage. ouch. sometimes i really do not understand why i have to go through this alone. but i will be strong...i will go 'far far away' until i am ready to come back...till then wish me all the best..
my hammie gave birth yesterday..till now there are 2 live hammies..something which i am pretty proud of..cos the previous pregnancies of both my female hammies did not go through very well.. sigh..haha but hopefully the 2 young ones survive through...my dear hammies are a joy to have and i am very glad to have them with me though they nib like nobody's business...but yes i still love them all...
many many things i intend to do in this holiday..hopefully things go as expected. people walk in and out of your life...it's just a normal cycle...i have to accept it.. i will try to accept it.
take care all and enjoy the holidays! hugs....

dear ppl it has been awhile since i last blogged... but i will be back after exams...with a new skin and ya...just wanna wish all of u good luck for the exams...yeah...cheers to all...
life is a road...with turns here and there... if u go straight...u might just not reach ur destination... so i am going to start looking around...
good luck ppl!

well..sigh...u have your informers..u see what i mean? there are always people telling you things? and you see you also chose to believe what they had to say..why do you always think that my nick is referring to you? arent you assuming too? you know how much it affected me that night we spoke. well..i hope u understand why then that i did not get back to you. i havent discovered what a person you are. i know if i continued talking to you, you'd still be telling me the same thing. girl..let's just stop it here. this is dragging too much and getting too many people involved already. ok..i was the one who started talking about it so just take it as my fault alright? No point in trying to say who's right and who's wrong anymore... let nature takes its course. why do you say that i chose to believe all but you...well...i dont want to say anymore..then let's just discover ourselves ba ok? u take care too.
enough about this...
many things happened...i dont want more things to happen... will just keep it all...lesser people knowing about your stuff..less trouble.
whatever...i shall say no more..
horsieeeee....bite..so sianified...complain!!!hahaa...
to all take care..

this prob be the last post this wk...hmm..end of our so-called recess le..hmmm...often when we reflect back on the past..it is only then that we learn about what we have lost...and then realise that we have done enough to appreciate the things around us. But as we all know, once some things are lost, they'd never return back to u.. no matter how much u try.
sigh...i miss those days us 04 girls had together..we used to do so many many things together but what has happened now..? saddened.
argh..also found out how often the circumstances around u lead u to so many roads and u dont know which way to go.. i dont know who i can listen or who i should listen too..
i dont know who i would want to talk to now...feeling down.. dont want history to repeat itself...me in bad mood talkin to others n end up spoiling relationships..sorry huh..i didnt mean it.. i know it takes alot for me to blow up but once i do..i noe i am hardly rational anymore...argh.
i duno wad to say le.='(
can anyone understand how i am feeling...?

realised i havent been blogging for a long long time... as usual, many many things happened..
been busy with so many so many stuff. well..its the holidays now, but as usual it hasnt been much of a holiday with so many quizzes after the break. here to blog about the many many things..
yeah indeed life is never fair. this is a fact and we all know it. there are things that cause u to be disappointed. but there are reasons some things are not told. I chose to believe that things will change, but time and again i was wrong. i dont always listen to what people say. i have my own judgement too alright...? It's just that u dont seem to realise that each time u say u wont do something anymore, more often than not u r doing it.. it's not one incident, 2 or 3.. u wont understand how it feels. You give people a certain degree of trust because they deserved it. I am heartless and not consider ppl's feelings. I dont say what happened for a certain reason. well..each and everyone of us are guilty of backstabbing to a certain extent...if you know me well enough, you'd know i dont like to speak my mind! ANd i wont do many things till i can not take it anymore. i have my limits too. blame me if u have to, but dont bring my other friends into the picture ok? dont assume who these 'others' are cos u never know they might jus be your closest friends. I dont believe because of what people say..dont make me sound as if i dun have a mind of my own and incapable of makin my own jugdement.things had to come to this point. u trust who u have to.
Okie..enough of that... not many happy stuff to blog about.. i seem to be at this stage of losing people whom i love..it hasnt changed but..haa.
something happy to blog about..i am now the proud owner of 3 very adorable hammies! lol.. trying my best to tame them as much as possible... lol...they nib hard for the 1st 2 days but seriously they are tamer le..squeak.. will be back to blog... it's a much easier way to let off heat...
cheers to all....

hi all! HAppY new yEar to all of u...yippie.. have a new blogskin liao..after some time.. well..basically i like it because of the music...canon in d..=) well..back from all the visiting and stuff le for today..going to do my tutorials after blogging... as usual as it has been for every yr.. beginning in the day would be a visit to the temple..tradition ba..then after that to my 大姑's hse.. then will be breakfast at MacDonald's..then finally everyone will gather at my 小姑's hse which is juz 2 blks away from my hse..and as usual we have this tradition of going to the movies every yr..today we decided on I Not Stupid too... it was a nice show..but really sad..
finally got what jason meant... it made me think back to the past..and even the present.. there was a time when i thought that i was useless.. maybe that hasnt changed much but prob it's cos i never tried to do anything abt it... why do we always wait for things to happen before doing anything..?
nvm.. it's CNY so every1 be happy..
there's a lot of things that are not beyond our control..so many times there are so many things tht u wana do but couldnt. sigh.. i want to let u know how i feel bt i juz couldnt.. it is happening right infront of me but it is out of my reach...
i believe we often do things that we did not mean to and we know it.. well i do not deny that i do but..argh...
so many so many lies... i'm jus afraid i cant keep it up anymore... one has led to more... n more...i want so many things... but i guess i'm not meant to have them...
heez wendy if u're reading this...u still know me so well... yes.. i stil keep everything in.. as usual... i knw there are ppl ard to share with but i just dont know hw to... yeh and as usual... i dun wana appear weak... yeh the heart is breakin but what can i do...? but dont worry k..cos i'm holding out just fine k..? the spirit is no longer there but in any case..the shell, my body is...
every1 is sayin life cant be tt bad..maybe... i just gota believe....

hmm..really quite some time since i last blogged le... schol just started i guess everything still rather unstable.. guess will be busy for the beginning with the hall production stuff.. but things will settle down soon i hope... haha... well.. took up 2 electives this sem. i hope its a good choice...since i took it up already... i'll do my best ba..

well...so many things happened lately..the good the bad..hmmm... yeah..
i realised that i am really a failure as to understand what ppl think..
as it goes i tihink i fare really badly in interpersonal communication..
maybe yes... it's just destined that i keep everything to myself.

some things wil never change...
some things there's probably no point in trying to get back to what it used to be
i cant clap alone...
if u dun wan it just let me know ba...
there's no point in forcing le..

horsieee...roars...
bite... u tke care k?
huggies...

let things be as they are...
easier said...
i will step away...

sigh...
fallen...
i dont want...i dont need...some way to deceive myself...
tke care

been a week since i last blogged i tink.. slightly more maybe? well.. Happy New Year to all..
As usual i didnt spend new year properly each year... somehw or other..it's always spoilt for me..maybe its meant to be... i blame no one...
but best wishes to all..a lousy beginning does not=poor ending..
i dont hope for much..just life to treat me properly...
argH...dont tink i can ever express myself well enough for ppl to understand..
i'll just let things be..mke it easier for everybody..
someone told me.. the uncherished would not be unappreciated forever...bear no hatred.
if its true..good..
the ppl ard me i love are leaving me one by one...
dont know what it means but...
thinking alot..urgh
maybe there're also things that i can never understand..
forget it..i'm too tired to look for answers...
sch reop[ened today..yeah...
my timetable is reasonable ba..
havent got confirmation of my electives as yet...
and yes...i've got a new roomie...and ooh..we were all wrong abt her nationality...
oopx...until she intro herself to me...
to all..jia you for this new sem k...?
cheers to all...

merry christmas everyone...cheers...
it has been a long time since i last blogged..

how many can really understand how i am feeling now...
though still standing..it's as if a pillar has fallen...
the structure is no longer stable..

argh..the feeling of lost has returned...
this time stronger...
i dont blame anyone..
just myself...

i'm so sorry for the so many inconveniences i have brought...
i dont want to cause anymore harm...
i'm sorry...
i know that time cannot turn back anymore...
the many questions remain unanswered...

dont worry though..
i am still fine...
i will go on...
you all will still see joanne as she is...
but....

sighs of relief heaved...
tears dropped..
smiles erased...
words whispered..
one issue so many different opinions...
different emotions...
mixed feelings...

i live on...
i will keep going..
be more fair to me...

been thinking..
since when was life ever fair?
did it even matter?

hope the path would be smoother from nw on..
all the best...

thanks for ur concern girl..
but seriously it wouldnt hv mattered
things over le so yeah
dont worry about me..
didnt tell you cos there's no pt..
u had such different views..
from the beginning till nw..
u hv spoken in 2 v diff tongues...

i dont understand..
but nvm..
hmmm...

belated thanks to all for ur birthday wishes..
hehe...in order? hah..
first to alvin..liping...ning ning..
wendy..guan siang..lishan..
andy..dao jian..zihao..
jasmine teo..tai chong..
xinwei...vivian..shaohao..
lih tyng..aylwin..yuhan..meng wee..
all these are mainly smses..
thanks to all...
then to wendy..taichong..sophia n peiyu for spending e day with me..
jas for turnin up to surprise me..
and then horsieee for dinner with me..
hmmm..also thanks for the 20th ya?
kingkong was good..carls junior was better..=)
fatal indulgence!!!thanks to all for makin my day(s).
to my collection 3 tees...one big big baby taz..test tube..
thanks....

cheers to all...tke care ba..

this is the colour of my mood nw ba.. argh...
it's over already
been dreading the arrival of this day..
but it has..
though the outcome was the most expected..
but i really really feel v..
i duno hw i'll get over it but dun wori i'll..
i chose to step into it and nw i leave with no regrets..
maybe it's those people up there ba.
my path was meant to go this wy...
='(
to u..move on ba..dun wori
i'll wish u all the best..really..
pls do tke care of urself...
u deserve e bez alright..?
pls continue to do what is right k?
i'm still here as a friend...hugs

i dun want to believe anymore..
it's just not meant to be..
feel so...
i just want to go away...

tke care...

hi all..long time since my last post..MIA for some time aredi so just decided to create another post as i cool dwn.. well well... last paper was a total stunner.. totally lost.. but nvm over for more than a week aredi..meanwhile trying to enjoy as much as i can.. hmm..started my first driving lesson already..quite an experience on monday morning.. 2nd time i tried to 'drive' a car..haha.. enjoyed e lesson hopefuli all goes well..
it's an irony reali an irony...guess i m reali lost for words? i mean in a way i nv expected things to turn out this way..ha.. some ppl just nv change... i told u cos i wanted so much to complain la.. nv expecting u to tell her...to YOU...what mkes u any different from her? i guessed as much already... that's why to all..be careful who u trust.. HAHA.
hmm...since there's nothing more u'd like to ask from me, jolly well...over here i wish u all the best in ur future endeavours..dont have to thank me for anything that i did... justy tke it that i didnt do it for u.. just doing it for myself..time we both got over it aredi ba...if u want to treat me like hw u used to, i'll br glad..o/rwise..reali glad that our paths crossed..tke good care alright.. cheers...
horsieeeeee..thanks for going to get the racket with me and abt the skirts..dun wori wil hv chance one ba....:P roars!! bite bite
to all enjoy ur holidays!!! =) cheers!

back at home..didnt bring my laptop back..brother is out for his exams.. for nus actualli to hv an exam on a saturday...amazing..my laz pp on mon.. materials science...hmmz.. still studying.. well...let's hope for the best then..=)
it's coming to the end of the exams already... i'm starting my driving lessons soon... yupz.. well.. hope all's well
sigh...
horsieee sori but....
to all tke care.
good luck for the exams...

one more paper to go...=) duno hw i'll fare for the rest of the papers but hopefully i dun have to see any more of them next sem...
i hv stopped believing after that phase in jc yr2..though things went on as usual..but deep in me, things were no longer the same...that particular day laz yr..she told me that there were ppl struggling more than me that if i gave up on myself..no one would be able to help me.. it took a long while before that fact sunk in.. e internal struggle at that period of time was something that really threw me deep down into the pits...slowly i made my way up..the climb was never ez.. a yr plus dwn the road...i'm walking..i'm on flat ground again w regards to this...i've gotten out of that pit. it was only this yr..that i started walkin away from that pit..i decided to leave behind that bag.. the climb became easier..and i got out... it took so long...that bag contained so much...but nw it's gone..
am thankful for the ppl who stood by me...thanks.. u opened my eyes to things... i saw who the true frens were..thanks..reali appreciate it..
it's ironic though hw some things are..
knowing things will never be the same again..
well...
deleted some comments from my blog...i guess it just wasnt appropriate. dont know what to say bt jus didnt feel like explainin why i did it...ya.. maybe i gv e person the wrong impression but nvtheless..
hmm..horsieee....hugs tight...=)
to all cheers....

hmm..i've a life science paper tml..so tryin to relax abit now..decided not to cramp anymore things into my already saturated brain..hehe..
actually am writing this with a very heavy heart...big sigh.. studies aside..well it's come to this point where i know what i want..but it has also become clearer to me that i cannot have what i want.. contradicting huh? but that's really how i feel ba...but even if it may turn out that i cannot have what i want...i shall have no regrets.. maybe it's fated..walk along..see where it brings us too...again if its meant to be, it'll be...horsieee..all these is to u..dont think so much le..hugs tight.. do what u need to ok..what u r responsible for k? remember i'm here with u...
we gain as we lose...well...study hard to all...
cheers..hugs...

actually the reality of it never struck me so hard before.. suddenly i realised hw minute the chances of it happening are..maybe i should have heeded advice in the first place..but that was too long ago.. am i beginning to turn into someone i said i wont..? many things are not predictable.. one day i may be infront of u but the next moment i may be gone.. realised that if i done open my heart out.. i'll only be putting lots of pressure on myself.. maybe it's all worth it, maybe it isnt.. but who can give me the answer..? keep things simple ba..it'll probably be easier for u.. i dont ask for much... just give me what u can and i'll be happy already..ok? horsieeee...hugs.

and i guess i've really lost u already...such closure i tink is what i have desired right..? maybe i really dun tell u things anymore.. think u have also decided to completely ignore me.. but that's fine as long as u r happy...unfortunately...but probably fortunately for u... all the best.. u tke care.. and sorry i can never be there anymore...

back into her own world she retreats...never intending to step out much anymore...she has nothing much left out there anyway...living the way that's best for her..away from the daylight..be who she is.. hidden..(to U..thanks 4 being such a great fren..to share w..cheers..)

to all cheers..tke care of yourselves... good luck for remaining papers...

argh...examz r tml.. i hv 2 papers tml... having dinner nw... all alone in hall... my paper starts e earliest... sad huh? haha.. eating all by myself... sigh... e anxiety is here again!!! help!!!!
i didit again...
sorry.... horsieee..hugs tight.
growing...w e a k e r...
n 2 u..i hope u'd stop mking me feel so lowly
wad u wana say..i dun wana argue anymore...
at leat nw u know hw it felt like in e pst..nt knowin anything...
dun have 2 repeat over n over de...
k..time 2 study...jia you...

hi..it's me again..just gett9 away from my notes for awhile.. yet again some thoughts came into my mind.. sigh..
can u tell me how many times u have lied to me..?
im no angel... never one...
i'm beginning to feel selfish...
i dont want to share anymore...
i can almost tolerate no more..
i probably deserved it...
: : suddenly i'm all alone: :
i kept my promise.. but i'm feeling terrible..
can't u just set me free from all these...
argh.. u never really understood how i felt..
maybe it's not ur fault cos i nv told u..
i dun want to hurt...
sigh...
: : horsieee...hugs on2 u: :
well..should get back to my studying..
tke care to all... see u all again...cheers..

just came back from class..no lessons tml...yippie.. i've no lessons tml but my exams start next week like on wednesday.. sigh.. then realised no way i could scrape thru my environmental quality w/o studying for it.. hahaha... oopz. hmmx..
physics quiz was ok for today.. yup..nothing much.. think they trying to make everyone pass ba..
horsieee is not ard.. sigh..
exams..arghhhhhhhhh!!

hi..it's raining out there, feeling cold..sigh... some thoughts..
can u understand how i am feeling?
why i am doing all these?
i cant tell u the reason why,
but i want u to be happy..
forgive me....='(
sorry..really...
tke care to all...

learn to live with it or suffer.. something i learn.. there's a limit to my tolerance.mind u pls dun push ur luck too far..i dun intend to let things turn ugly..sigh.. having dinner.. maggie.. something simple for a change...tke care to all.. burning inside................ arGH!!!

hi to all..long time since i last blogged eh... supposed to be sleepin already but somehw or rather, cant get to sleep again.. sigh.. stressed up..exams comin and i'm still struggling with my tutorials.. big big sigh... tired..duno.. sometimes just feel so hopeless.. just dont wanna do anything anymore..sigh...
something on e positive note..spent time on sat with the 04 ppl...celebrated lishan's birthday.. romantic thing jianhao did for her.. heehee... hmmm.. then sunday was yet another special day..=) cheers horsieeee! hehe..hugs and thanks...for the wonderful time...grinx...
well.. some things happen when u least expect it.. u never know... sigh.. did it mean something else? it's broken..sigh... =(
another chapter..another phase... seriously do i mind... i dont... i really dont.. tke care to all ya..? hmm..2 that particular u... it is but a small distance...it's not a factor as long as u can overcome it...

jo signs off...feeling totally hopeless... someone...help...

hi..sometimes u just cant help it but get so irritated... argh..sigh.. duno wad's wrong with this world where nothing goes as expected..shouldnt have returned hm this wkend..bt like wad i said.didnt expect things to be like tt... fine..u all can tke it that i'm unfeeling..go ahead. i just dont know how to face things.suckz man.
came hm happily but now already feel so lost...well... whatever...
as it goes...happiness does not belong...
need motivation to do wk..my exams are coming...

hi all...i'm back...well..it's taking a toll on me.. decided to just..let it go...why make life so difficult for oneself...thanks horsy...i'll be fine... cooled it already..dont know what i'd do w/o u by my side.. hugs..
this thing has gone on for so long already...no point..really dont deserve to be so upset by all these. well..forgive n live by it..what can i do..? sigh..nothing can be done anywy..though damage has been done..so whaT? cheers...
wei horsy... just a short note to u..dont always give in to me alright..? when i go overboard let me know..cause u dun deserve all these nonsense from me alright? you ah...dun let me become so ba4 dao4 ok...sorry...hugs tight...thx for understanding...
and da ge ya..da ge..ya. i'll let it be dont worry. u tke care..
to all..cheers n take care....

just go away...i'm pissed off nw..realli reali down...damn...

ha..dumbest person u can find around here..--> me...
had a class outing today..went to changi airport to play badminton with 04/03..havent seen them 4 a long time. hahaha..one of the largest turn out ever...all the girls were present..then guys included zhaoyi, zitong, shili, jianhao, weijian, fengfu, daojian, yadong, brian...well...it's prob be last class gathering i'm attending...dont ask me y... ppl..take care..
totally disappointed..utterly upset... am i such a lowly person... do i deserve all these...damn damn damn! yes...i'm always the one causing all these huh...no one's fault..it's mine huh...yes. i'm the sacarstic one. i'm the one who doesnt bother anymore. yes. i'll take everything. i'm not upset. this doesnt affect me at all..nothing has happened...! indeed. i never bothered..i never tried. i'm the useless one. it's a right choice u make nt to remain in my life. all i cause is trouble. i dun need things to change 360 degrees... i'm cold blooded.................... damnnnnnn.

haiz..yes..i am the unreasonable one.. i'm no different. i'm sorry. maybe i really dont deserve it at all.. arGH.....jo! stop it.

finally got back home.. using the com at long last. ha..been at hostel the past week n didnt bring my laptop back so didnt manage to use much la.. yup.here i am now blogging..this week has been an eventful one...but it's coming to the end of mid-term break already..having two quizzes next week..sigh..okie.. mon i went tm mac to study.. quite conducive also..wed thurs n fri had stuff in sch..oh well.. dunno wad2say..maybe punctuality doest count in ntu...lol..

well..so much has been thru my mind..sorry horsy....thinking alot..guess it was scary to react in that way but..sigh..i almost snapped..hope u understand that i have my reasons 4 doing so.. i'm sorry. well...forgive me i hope but if u dun..i'll nv blame u..i'm e 1 who caused things 2 become like this...sorry..

it was terrible..nv felt this bad before...was looking for ppl but every1 seemed away on that day.. in the end ended up with me alone in the room..by myself.. thoughts flowing..didnt catch a wink.. wondered if what i did was right. sorry... i just needed to be sure. i blame myself for so many things that has happened.. i know u understand..i'm sorry 4 making things so difficult...ARgH...just want u to be fine that's what most impt. do tke care.. hugs tight.

to all...tke care yaya..? good luck to those having quizzes...cheers...

it's sunday..beginning of the mid-term break. did my maths tutorials over today.. great achievement. long time since i did so much work at one go.. ought to feel guilty abt it huh. well.. did catch a few shows on tv here and there..ya..

dun feel good.. thinking again...the realities in life.. never know what is behind that wall..never know what lies ahead for u. sorry. sometimes..it's good to be pessimistic..at least u dun be blinded by stuff which arent true right..irritating that each time u try to be positive u just get dragged down.well that's life. nothing much u can do abt it..

sighhhhhh... if only...

to all take care...

latest picture of me after my haircut..new colour also but not exactly very obvious..well..hmmm.. anyway...was wnedy's bdae yesterday.. happy birthday roomie.. :) and i was innocently ponded together with wenz peiyu n sophia.. so e four of us toilet mates got thrown in together. shall spare the disgusting details...lol...and...most importantly yesterday was the first month..it was a quiet but joyous occasion.. :) thanks for everything...

it's the term break at long last... yeahhoo.. must catch up with my work.. many things to do as well..meetings and stuff...ya. went to kbox at marina square with shan, liping, min ,sab today..ok la...didnt realli sing much compared to the rest of them..hehehe...but more than usual le...

well...truly said.. if u do back to others what they do on u how different are u from them? haiz...nvm. whatever..to all take care...

hi to all..late in the night.. i have my life science and management with humour CAs tml but just realli cant get to sleep..horsy..sorry..i promised to call if i couldnt get to sleep but i didnt want to disturb u.. sorry about that..cos i know u're tired.. hugs tight.. mind saturated already so didnt want to continue... so shall blog abit then go bac and attempt to sleep again...

was having this talk with my roomie and toilet mates..then suddenly wondered to myself.. should i just back out of all these activities..? concentrate and leave everything else behind...i dont know.. haiz... forget it.. should just keep this all to myself. why bother...?

let nature take its course...see u all..take care..wish me good luck... CAs and my mse announcement....

hi to all...tking a quick break then back to studying.. i have my life sciences, managment with humour quiz coming up tml... haiz.. stressed up again..v hard to ask me to relax..when e panic comes, it just comes...never been able to control it for a long time already...one week has just passed already.. beginning to think if i should really give up trying to keep my place in the hall. should just forget abt getting enough points to stay huh. just got into school's publicity sub com but already thinkin of backing out. such indecisiveness...

losing oneself.. what abt it..that's what u get when life starts to turn its head away from u.. and the constant headache starts to haunt u again.. hardly any consolation to speak of.. thanks for those still here with me..

to leemin... haha..guess the impact wasnt e same when u read it..but it probably hit me hard cos i never expected this to be what would be done ma.. but i have made one great mistake and i have learnt alot from it.. haha. like it goes a leopard never changes its spots.

to that particular GIRL.. i think u know who are... it has been a mistake to let u in into so much. i am sorry to say but i regret my actions. thought i could put my trust in u but i guess i was wrong. very wrong.. i dont need ur pity..dont assume u know everything cos u dont anymore. and pls stop it..stop all nonsense from going around will U? cant u just speak what is true and stop spreading crap..do u know how miserable u are making those 'involved'? dont try to know everything.. i'm sorry u have to read it here. u know i wont talk it face to face with u. sorry i have to hurt u this way but i cannot take it anymore... back in those days and now...you nv changed... just wishing u the best in ur life nw..

hmmm... raining heavily outside nw.. going back to hall tonight.. meanwhile just like to mention that school has been fine.. yupx. other then the increasing workload.. recess coming up but the CAs will be here as well..geez..

ok to all tke care...cheers..

--simplicity--

someone said something online to me..it brought me to tears... i wasnt there to read it when it was posted but the impact was even greater.. cos all these times.. i never knew... i really never. argh...why hold back what i wanted to do all along? until things changed i was sure that i wanted to save that very first for you..but it was not to be anymore... tke care...

once again... think9 back to the old me.. the one in sec sch... no chance to be the same anymore.. i dont like it but i have to accept that it is no longer the same and will never be the same anymore... forget it...

hi ppl..been sometime since i last blogged..always wanted to but always stopped..
to that u i respect so much..thanks for takin care of me.. what u said put me deep in thoughts..i was hurt that this is what u had to say but i guess this is what u felt..sorry that this had to happen between e both of us..just i'm sorry..i dun mean it that way but i doubt there'd be any chances for us to talk anymore..know u'd never be able to see this..i am sorry...sorry for pissing u off...
haiz..workload always increasing..stunned by alot of e wk..sigh..is it me who does nt understand or what...but basically things are still fine..not like i'm totally behind or what...well..
horsy..back to wk le..hope everything is fine..hugz tight..
to another U..pls tke care of urself when u go to brunei k? hmmm.. i still care..pls dun tink i dont ok...i know i dont do many of the things i used to anymore but it's not cos i no longer care..hmm. i dont know hw 2 explain things anymore..many things i didnt know..i never guessed...
many things in life cannot be explained..when they happen, they just happen..i dont know if this makes sense or not la but ya.. cheers..幸福自己寻找吧。。
to all tke good care yaya?

因为你。。。

hihi ppl..home now..just had dinner so decided to blog abit before going of to do my tutorials..haha...back to life of work le..first semester tryin to tke it ez first slowly let the pace increase..:) just went for hall dinner yesterday..guess it was pretty fun..didnt take many pictures though..left early didnt stay back with them at the suite..didnt want to anyway..went back to NTU to pack my things instead...
Thanks horsy..muackz..for being there with me...am glad for e things that happened..grateful in every way...hugs...
cant stand the way some things are..but even if it's w/thin my reach i'm not going to do anything anymore..i am not going to stoop to that level..if things are like that so be it..just be careful who u place your trust in..maybe i dont see things that way ba..too bad..if u want attention that way..so be it..i have to admit that leopards never changes its spots...
full of hypocrites all around..dont assume u know everything cos u dont...yes i trusted u for a moment..i thought u've been through it and will prob know a lot more..but i was wrong... too bad for me i guess...
firewks outing for 04 girls tml..havent decided if i'd be going yet..see how ba..missing those in nus, even ning, min, ping, shan who r in ntu with me...missing u all...
to all..tke care n cheers...bleah...

hi ppl..here i am..hehe..blogging again..yuppiex..i just got my laptop..haha..something to be happy abt..? yeah..cos i've been waitin for it for such a long time now...hahabut still not used to the keyboard though..kept on hitting e caps lock button when i'm trying to type my a..hmmx. well well.. things moving on..lessons are still ok..catching up for now..but mind is still rusty havent been doing much wk..that's for staying away from bks for 6 months...
Hall Ball tml night..duno whether i'm looking forward to it or wad..no feeling... just another event organised by the hall..think hall 1 is so much m ore happening than many other halls..which is good.. but in the end..i still need the points to stay so..see how ba...
finally saw the doctor yest...he was kind of shocked that i've already been unwell for close to 2 wks..probably get chased out by my roomie if i continued this way...i know i am a stubborn one..yes yes i'll listen...wellx...
havent been meeting up with the class much..missing the girls from 04..think ping is organising an outing..?hehe...will try to mke it...
many things are different now..no longer what they used to be.. i dont want to assume and end up wrong...so let me know if u have anything to say...i will still be here so dont worry... why do u tink i dun care anymore..? i still do..this was the feeling i used to have long ago...i doubt u knew it too..? suan le..it's over..let nature take its course..how abt that...
to all tke care ya..cheers....

i'll leAd u in....

hi all...it's national day and here i am back in hostel...lol...but it has been a quiet yet one of the best national day i ever had...thankz alot horsY..HUgs tight..for bringin me to see great scenery and simply just spending time with me..i know u dont want me to say it but thanks..c",) cheers..
august 9, 2005, HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY Singapore... haha... national day has never been a day i really celebrated..but this one will be one good memory:P
actually main purpose of this blog was to rant about something else which has been spoiling my sleep since i came back to e hall this afternoon..but shant spoil my day today...blog abt it another time.... to all cheers and take good care...argh..my cough is back again....

hi..said i would blog again when i get my com but that's like so long ago and up till it's still not here!! haha...so here i am blogging using my roomie's pc...woke up early to do my tut bt yup.. realised that ive gone all rusty le..after all this time this long period of time away from e bks...argh.....lesson only starts @ 1130 so i have some time to spare...
things have been goin ok for the past 2 wks since the beginnin of school..one wk into e official beginnin of lessons i began to get realli pissed w myself...it's like u know u should know how to do the question yet u can onli stare blindly at it not being able to do anything abt it..haiz.. it's ok though i guess..just have to jia you abit more...
haiz..i thought that feelin was over after i left JC..i thought ppl change bt yet again i was proven wrong...it's just very me to do it but i was wrong..argh..totally disappointed totally disgusted..to tat U..do wad u want wad u like..i don't care..dun assume u noe everything though cos u dun..sorry bt i have my limits...u have crossed it and that's it..girl..wadeva u do..tke care..u wont see me much in ur life anymore..
many mani things happening but no hand in doing anything so i'll just leave it as it is...some things are just meant to be seen i guess...some ppl just like to do things tat wy...
wei horsy pls tke care of urself ok.. sorry abt it...i'm still worried for you...pls get well soon k..? HUgs tight....
to all take good care of yourself...see you ard...

it has been a month since i last blogged..how's everyone..? already went thru 2 freshmen orientations, one for MSE and other for HALL1..ya..so many things happened...would take too long if i were to update all...so shall just leave it as it is..was welcomed into the AERO and SIMPSONS families...both U life and Hall life has started..hopefully all goes well for me..TimeTable is stil ok for me..getting used to the new life in school already..still need time to get around the school though..haha.

Many many changes have taken place ever since...not sure what to think of them..no doubt some be good while some be bad..bt nevertheless...what can u do bt learn2adapt? haz..the expenses have began to go up..the notes, whoa..getting my own laptop soon..great..something of my own soon...

i know u're havin a hard time nw..goin through all these...bt i know u'll go thru it..i believe in u..yupz..
goin thru a time now...arGH..dont knw how everything is goin to turn out just hope all is well...but i will hold on to tt belief..

to all take care...will blog again..prob when i get my laptop...ha..cheers.

i read e past entries until i could no longer take it anymore..i need to step out of it... i m takin too long..am i nt tryin at all..bu yao zai zuo bie ren de fu dan...ARgh..dun be a burden anymore..pls..
ever asked urself wad u r living for...? wad r u looking for in life...?
if things are nv meant to go ur wy..they wont no matter wad u do...if u cant accept it tat's too bad huh... i couldnt..maybe i m nt tryin..bt like who cares..
how am i supposed to talk myself out of it when i dont even know wad's going wrong.. u feel it bt u cant describe it..whatever...................
wk is ending in 3 days time..hai...nt sure if i'll be able to find something to last me that 2 last wks...shall see..started estimating the expenses...geex..how am i goin to afford it..? giving tuition isnt a bad idea bt after that one month e o/r time...i've lost total hope le.. CraP.
what's wrong..........? argH..i reali dun knoe.

hmm..to let things return to wad they used to be before..? possible...? i duno.
it isnt a good sign when i start to shut myself..it isnt....why allow more people into my life if what i m going to do is simply to hurt...who will stay in and who will stay out is not up to me to decide...
i broke not knowin the reason..it sucks...shutting away e reason..? CRAP....
my temp job at CPF ends soon..this wk..going 4 camp next wk...maybe i shud ask to leave earlier..
to U..think u prob know who u r..i m tryin 2 distract myself bt i am failin doesnt matter....sorry..bt i tried..
to see is to believe...to hide is to deceive....deceiving is what i am doing....................

went to cut my hair...to those who know me well enough..it always mean something when i do.. ARGH.... hMm... isnt it..? think it's stil more or less e same length..but much less...well..doesnt matter...
ha...time is running...? maybe ba..
what u said has made me ponder upon what i really am doing.. dun force me anymore... thank u..... what's e point..?
Sorry...maybe u dont want to hear this..but..it's my fault aint it...? since it is..why bother to say anything..?
I m still unable to change that part of me..i still dont like to talk. i know ppl prob wont be v willing to do it... appreciate it even if u were just sitting there in silence with me...blah....
Pessimism doesnt bring one far... i know that...dont worry.
..........................................aaarghhhhhhhhhhh.......this shouldnt be happenin... bt sadly..i allowed it to...and yet when i fell in i couldnt pull myself out anymore.....
'girl' dun worry..what is on top has nothing to do w wad i told u...:) see u soon...
U life is startin... lookin 4ward..?...i duno.
Things are no longer real anymore....i said it befor and i say it again....
Wei...i will let u know....i know u wont force me..pls take care k...HUgz....
to all take care......

never knew it would be this tong xin to do it.. I am selfish...have always been... deceiving... i will stop. stop doing anything at all... i dont deserve anything... anything at all... it isnt goin to be easy anymore.......

everything is going wrong.. what am i doing to myself..? this is total crap. i created a total mess out of everything... ARGH................this isnt me anymore. stay away.. i dont want to hurt..stop me before i do so.....

..been a week plus already..'Girl' sorry i know u've been trying to get me online.. i havent been saying alot but i can tell u that things arent turning out the way ba.. sorry for having to tell u this this way... i guess it's the only way.. dont see what's on the cover..it's deceiving...
Think i m stopping work in two week's time or maybe earlier..doesnt matter much anyway..it's been close to 6 months already.. it's time also ba.. Went for medical checkup in NTU the other day then went to apply for loan.. then went back to work..
how do i feel about all these happening..? Maybe it's better not to know.. please dont have so much confidence in me..cos that is not exactly the way i feel at all ok? dont harbour high hopes.. i dont want to end up disappointing anyone or myself.. i dont dream anymore cos i cant afford to lose it..
That's life right.. rough goin and what have u.. remember in life nothing lasts. Things come n go..
now u know why i dont like to talk? i should just shut up. i rather i kept quiet than end up offending people right..? even if it's not what i mean.. It doesnt matter whether i talk about how i'm feeling right..
horsy...Sorry for how i've been for the past few days... if it happens again..just let me be.. i dont want to hurt you in anyway ok...sorry.. now u know how little self-control of my temper already.. thanks for being around but i really dun wish to do this to you..dont tell me it's ok.. cos i feel terrible ok... Hugs tight..
to all take care.. uni life is startin already.. take gd care.
things have changed..but dont worry, i will make an exit in silence...

harloex.... hmmz. well...knee is hurting again... isnt good but i guess it's fine.. when i stop work in a couple of weeks' time i hope it goes back to normal...
Distance apart but 'girl' dont worry... some things are just not my way. nothing i can do right..? even if there is something that can be done...geex...i guess i no longer want to.. i intend to wait..just wait.. haz...:P
Wei horsY..enjoy urself in KL ok... be careful too alright...? HUgz....
Have been wkin for about 5 months le.. How much have i learnt...? today didnt pass v well @ wk.. i learnt some things.. some things i guess when u truly step in2 e wk force u'll eventually learn.. whatever.. BLah...
tired...take care...

wei girl..thanks... i know u have been there n dont wish to see the same thing happening to me.. but the ball is not in my hands now... there's nothin i can do about it... So many times i thought whatever happened last year will again...geex..gan jue zhen de hen bu hao...

Running away isnt a good way to settle things...but escaping always seem to be the way out when all u want is some peace...at least be away frm everything for awhile? i know hurtin oneself and taking things out on oneself isnt goin to help..geex...but when u are feelin so tired..so .... u just dont know anymore.

For the so many things that are happenin.. I am glad that u people are around....thanks alot.. i m sorry for the so many inconveniences that i am givin... i love all of u.. and i appreciate u all for all u all have done...thanks 4 bein around me..it's not any of u..it's jus me..i cant get over e barrier..it's been too long.. never thought i would end up becomin so weak........

to all pls take care...rest well....

the same question has returned to me recently..why is it that the people u care for the most always hurt u the most...? can anyone answer me..? someone once answered me that it is because those u dont care about cant hurt u.. who knows..? i question....
sick n tired of everything....i know those who care will get worried... but... haiz... forget it la..Sorry. Just sorry.
sleep came on and off last night.. it wasnt very gd.. but ya at least i lazed on the bed till around 10... finished readin the Runnin Man n started on The BIg Bad Wolf...
Went swimmin just now.... i guess it was the peak period? was tryin hard to avoid all that crowd in the pool...
things will just never be the same again...to say i dun care would be lyin..
to all take care..Hugz.

just as well..jus as well... Argh... the week has gone by.. it's monday again.. e weekend has been hard to pass.. truly difficult... again.. time has passed.... it's already the end of May.. it has been weeks or rather months ever since it first happened... how long more...? how much more can i take....? CRaP... 'within the laughing clown.. e tears that lie beneath....'
Was out w alvin, sandy, shirley n her frens after wk on Sat... went blading at east coast.. indeed the fear of something always holds one back... didnt fall..went quite safely over a few humps...well... then went over to bugis w all of them.. just as well...
wei, thanks 4 being there that day w me... HUgs tight...
if not for all these things going on.. i wouldnt have realised how perfect my life is...INDEED... maybe this isnt all to it.. but for now, it's enough.. pls... ArGh....just weak or what... i m not the onli one... i know tat...
" U threw me into it.. now i have to climb up... thanks 4 it.... if i cant climb out... ... ..."

halo... if a decision has to be made now.. i'd make one..
mistake it may be..? certain i cannot be..
memories it may be.. reality i hope it'd be...
assurance is what i need... who'd give it to me...?
haha...crap..something i came up with... Been lyin around the whole day.. took mc off wk.. coughin away.. still ok i guess... but m still tired.. still achin all over... bleah..
the goin hasnt been easy.. 'girl' u dun worry too.. i will be fine.. u also take care...
to all take care ba......

yuppiex.. it's a holiday today... slept alot today but e aches just wouldnt go away.. my cough too.. but i guess it's ok ba..well... ya.. went to the Big Walk yesterday.. haz.. realised that today is already the 23rd of May, marks my fifth month working already..how time flies huh.. n in a few more days...... haiz.. i dont know.. dont know exactly wad to say..i know i shouldnt be avoidin all the time... but.. sorry for makin u sound like the bad guy... who knows.. i may just be the one who's e bad one around... it takes two hands to clap.. i already snapped.. who's goin to be the one to repair me...? things have turned out like that for us ever thought why it did... because of me? maybe.. come next week i dont know what's goin to happeN..
I have lost... lost the battle against myself... against things around me.. what's going to happen..? too used to keepin things to myself already. it just continues to build up.... Geex... so i just let it..i dont know. i have given up b4... it jus felt good...
wei horsy...thanks for the pi pa gao and for turnin up today...appreciate it lots..hugs... dun worry, i'll be fine ok...?
take care

:'(... on e bus journey home, i couldnt take it anymore.. i let them flow.....

hi, it is mid week already... i spent my last sunday mainly sleepin ba... then went out to compasspoint to walk around... returned home to lay down on the bed.. then i drifted off again... i didnt know i could get so upset again..sigh.. my whole night was gone, totally... i was lost all over again... why did things turn out like that..? as it goes, nothing began so why should i get upset over it.. ya..easy said... crap.. to think u could say that to me...? did it matter to u how it'd feel..? no right..? whatever ba...
Well.. everything i do doesnt please anyone.. i may matter to you all but it is not what i feel of it.. if all u all care about is trying to show me how MUCH i matter by showin all your concern to them, and tryin to ci4 ji1 me right in front of me, i beg u all, pls just stop it ok... i m takin things too seriously.. but mind wad u all say can..? the hurt u all have given me is too much le.. i wont say it in your face..because i still care how u all feel but ...4get it...i came back with some snacks today..and u tell me u dun wan CHEAP food..? fine w me.. dont eat it.
To things that can never have any conclusion i should jus let go..? To stop thinkin wouldnt be possible.. haiz. thankfully i still have u around me..thanks... Hugz..
When things go wrong, it's life, when things go ok, it's life.. doesnt tt make life everything..? It is a puzzle, pieces of it are already missing, lost for good.. these pieces, i have given up looking for them already.. forget it...i'd try.. new pieces just makes it looks more interesting... ? haz..:P some things will never be the same again. i know that...
at some pt.. i almost felt like letting go already... i m tired..
CHeers... who doesnt want to be happY... to those keepin up spirits up.. thank u... i love u all...:)

hIz.. it has come to the end of the week already..i m havin trouble passin some of my time.. haiz. the night passes really slowly for me... been tossin..headache has been on... here's my weeK...
took my basic theory test on Mon at 845 with Sandy... Yuppiex... was ok la.. hahx..i came out w two confirm wrong ans.. sandy was v ji dong after e test...:) her fren came fetch us back to wk... reported back at 11.. then took leave for wed..caroline approved it...
wed came n passed.. i left hm at 6+...been so long since i felt so much at ease... to the U who gave it to me.. thanks so much huh...huggiex... watched hse of wax... then went up mount faber... nice nice scenery.. to those who havent been up there much.. go...haz..took some pics up there..nice..well.. i duno how 2 post... so if u all wan2 see..ask me..hahaz.. it will be a most memorable wednesday, heartwarmin memory for some time... thanks horsey...
on thurs n fri back to wk... been counting down the hours slowly... it has been hard ba.. accepted ntu's materials engineerin on thurs.. nus offered me arts n social sciences... made a choice.. but it didnt seem to go too well w some people.. haix.. four years into studyin.. am i sure about that..? i duno... received my Basic Theory test results.. n....i passed! yeah..relieved.
argh...my headache is killing me.. and it comes w no notice... haIx.. i dun wan2 see the doc... i dun wan2 find out that there's something wrong w me..
i m still struggling inside.. a year after... that positive joanne no more ever since i lost it a yr+ ago... the one cheery person is no more...in simpler terms-gone. i have tried... n i have failed... will i find it back..? i cant let it go. i cant accept it either.. y make my life so miserable for myself. i dun expect much anymore.. do u know that..? i m losing it......

haiz..it's happening again.. AGAIN! Crap..how many times do u want this to happen? have u ever wondered how i'd feel? NO...? THANK U so much for doin this to me yet n again.. u know you ppl are supposed to be my dearest ppl... but wad am i getting...? it has been a week..? u know wad..? right now i am feeling like so wonderful..u all know that...?? i have been keepin it all to myself...u all know tat? ok..no you all dont..how would u all ever..all u expect me to do is to be wad u all think would look good on u all..fine with me.. if all these is wad u all want.. i'll give it to u.
i dont know..i've got nothing to say...

upset? i dont know..i dont know how i am feelin now.. Crap.. hmm.. i'm sorry for the so many things that have happened.. haiz.. i know that sorry doesnt always mean anything..? or by the number of times i've used it, it no longer matters..? argh.. have been experiencing the many ups and downs.. the way i go on i'd soon lose even the person i'm depending a lot on now.. geex..
tk care.. i dont know if i'm responsible for the things going wrong for u.. i'm sorry if i am.. just make sure u tk good care of urself k..
well.. just received letter from ntu.. offered a place in materials engineering.. Yuppiex.. will have to see if nus offers me anything..then i'll decide..?
ya..was posted back to tampines after a week or so at call centre.. hahz. then it has been a wk at tampines again.. now doin a lot of e-lobby.. standing a lot..kind of taking a toll on my right knee though..hope it isnt too bad ba.. ya...
take care.

hilo..ended wk at 945 am 2day..hahaz. cannot believe it right..tml no wk as well.. well..back to blogging again.. geex. know what? i'm simply confused now.. dont know what is happening to me..sigh. i've made a stand and i prob should kp by it.. i know that and i'm trying.. i have to kp by it..there's no other alternative anymore. geex. i'm v luan now. i dont knw wad u r thinkin and i wish i'd..but i know it's not going to be ez.. haiz nvm.. right now just live by wad is comfortable..? ez said, but nv done. haz.. i dont know..i'm just letting time pass..
would like to thank some ppl thou i know u prob wouldnt be reading this.. grinx..thankx ar horse... hmm. life is one whole puzzle..though i have alreadi lost some pieces.. it's ok..at least those pieces remind me of what happened b4..take care ba... HUgz...

hmm..i kind of lost my job on friday..everything came as a surprise.. was told that saturday would be my last day at CPFB.. sad right? i was feeling bad on one hand but e other am glad to be able to get away for awhile..hmm.. but yest afternoon received call from adecco asked if i wanted to go back to CPF.. why not right..will be back at main office..starts tml..well..i've got mixed feelings about it though..wish me the best ba.. hmmx. so i have a job again...lol..
Have met different ppl in my job so far..am glad for the presence of some ppl yet totally disliked the presence of others.. indeed this job as widen my view in many many ways lor.. hmmx.. yeah.. well well.. duno la..
Hmmz.. there's a new beginning to something,, it feels weird..not sure if this is the right way to due with it.. but i really dont mind..? maybe it's just for this period of time.. hmmx.. take care ba.. dont think too much and dont worry too much.. cos i'll be there.. i miss the 04 gals.. take care till we meet again..

hmm..quite sometime since i last blogged already.. well..many things happened in this week of mine..? quite ok ba.. tired though.. i guess it's no excuse..? time is there for me to find..? whatever lo.. hmm..think office politics are never meant to be understood la.. dont understand why ppl can climb so high despite their capability of pushing all e responsibility of pushing everything away from themselves..maybe cos of that they hardly make any mistake? well..meanwhile life has been evolving around work and more work..ya..my first job.. 3 months into it liaoz.. hope it lasts till e time i have to enter U la.. today is sunday..woke up like oni two hrs ago.. havent been sleeping enough so i guess it's ok to slp in on sundays..? was kind of drained but then was wide awake on the bed.. madness la.. not exactly sure what time i fell asleep in e end.. hmmx.. this whole wk has been goin ok ba.. went joggin w colleagues on thursday..was out on friday.. then wk on sat..then out w colleagues again..got pulled out by caroline la..pulled guan siang along also..yued some1 else along too..haz.. how come it's possible w some colleagues yet so impossible w some others...? realised i'm not e only 1 who is against "her".. den while havin dinner received msg frm friend..then decided to pei ta..went dou feng..talked.. realised it's nv easy2 be there..? maybe i'm stil young..havent seen much, havent felt much.. havent experienced what life truly is about yet..1st 3rd party who actually heard my side of story also.. maybe chances have already slipped by..maybe it's time i learnt to let go..hmmz.. bleah. went home ard 11 las nite..learnt alot.. glad things are fine le.. cheers ba ya.. to all.. never let chances slip by ba..when it's too late, there's nothing u can do abt it liaox.. nv allow it to die dwn cos once it does, it may nv return 2 wad it used to be anymore... take care...

hello..how's life..? settled a few things tonight.. i made my university decisions, wrote ms goh's referee letter.. i dont know why i'm so keen in material science and engineering but it just interests me..hopefully i get it la...hmmx.. well.. i guess u are right.. i'm not hanging to the job..i'm just learning how to survive in a job.. true enough i myself am not sure whether this job is making me v hot tempered.. but i know that i'm speaking more straightforwardly now..hax..i dont know if it's good or nt.. have i really changed? i wonder..

made a really big mistake at work today.. i wondered what went wrong with me la.. how could i shred off without seeing..? what's wrong with me man.. too tired, too stressed, or jus plain careless..? jus dun wish to lose my job due to this man..

havent been back to east coast park for some quiet time for quite somtime already.. then finally found a chance yest..seriously think it's a nice place to think about things.. e cool breeze.. e stars.. u simply get to see a side of peaceful life..away from all e hetic life...suddenly seem to be able to leng jing.. mabe i shud go back there more often..

hmm..in some things that we do..we always need to take things less seriously, relax more is wad i'm always told.. realli meh..i dont know y la.. haz. some things no need worry too much..? like chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi..? maybe la..

tired... night...

it has been a week or so since i last blogged already..been too tired for the past week.. it has been taking a toll on me la.. work.. then suddenly everything crashing in again... as it goes.. i finally couldnt stand not being treated as human.. i stood up for myself and argued. i still cant believe i did it.. nor do i know if it's something i should have done.. but i could take it no longer. maybe as we grow up we realise that sometimes we shouldnt really bother about others.. why bother about what others think when they do not appreciate what u have been doing for them.? i didnt blog last week do i dont think anyone could have sensed the anger that was in me. i dont stay here to be insulted and treated non- humanely... sigh. it's time to think about oneself huh... i lost myself again on sunday.. i tried to smile my way through the exhibition but i was simply not in the mood.. sucks la.. went to work the next day looking like a dumb goldfish.. so many things so little time.. i have to tackle so many things at one go.. meanwhile.. i guess i can only take things one at a time.. ? for work.. wo neng ren zhe ren ba.. shui ran shuo i dont think i should forever be keepin all these to myself.. but meanwhile.. i just have to hold back my own unhappiness first ba.. haz. how i keep contradicting myself.. life has to go on.. y not live life happily..? haz.. easy said..? i've got so many things to say.. so much to complain.. i'm glad some people remain around ba.. ok.. As out las week.. i guess it was ok? other than GP la.. suckz man. oh well.. tinking of material science and engineering.. shal see.. take care.i'll be back to update..? k.. cheers to all.. SMile.

hiz to all.. Hmmz.. it has been a long long week for me.. not really a week yet but tiring enough already.. here i am though tired cos i'm waiting for my hair to drY.. have been knocking off at 7-730 lately..cannot believe it ba... hmmz.. then i havent been completing my recording on time.. this is sad man.. then each day just pile up like that.. paiseh ar guan siang.. not able to do wdl recordin on time.. deadline 3pm but i 12+ havent even started on my schemes leI.. i'll try to do it tml morning ba.. i know WDL more hurry lo.. this few days down to 2 person w ys on 3 days mc.. doc said may be dengue..it better not be lo...cos tmo lots of mosqui.. take care.

results out on fri.. dont wanna think about it really but had quite a converstion about it already.. haiya.. many ppl think the same way with why bother what others have to say as long as u have tried your best already.. cos it'm my own life right..? haiya.. but yet again we shouldnt be disappointing others who have put in so much.. in know i spoilt my chance in others to have confidence in me cos of a stupide mistake but nvm.. it's life... whatever has happened has.. what's the point of thinking so much about it?

everyone makes mistakes in life right..? nothing will be forever smooth sailing.. hmmz.. sometimes i just dont understand what i'm doing.. maybe it's good to be forever in a stage like that.. then life would be so full of adventures right..?

many reminding me not to overwork myself.. dont worry.. will take care.. u all too.. this point in time.. cannot afford to fall ill.. so to all take care ya..? results out on fri.. good luck to all.. ok ba.. i'm going off le.. somehow.. i just miss my classmates.. haiz.. nvm.. will see them soon.. cheers.

alone at home.. nobody else is here.. have been in my room e whole day now... now that no one is home taking this opportunity to use the com.. it has been some time since i let go of my frustrations like that.. allowing the tears to flow so freely.. suddenly i realise i'm not ok.. argh.. know i have been hiding everything else to myself.. each time i met customers and became uptight.. i thought it was due to the customers..never have i thought the reason was much deeper.. haiz.. nvm ba.. will just try to ignore all these by being more invloved with work.. suckz.

claz dinner yest..it was ok.. nothing much to comment about.. ok. tired.. shall grab more sleep.. at least it'll stop me from thinking too much for a while.. take care..

heyx.. here i am blogging again.. very very tired..it has come to almost two weeks at cpf tmo already..and it has been two months since i started work at cpf.. am thankful for this job la.. after next monday..riane and siao hui will be leaving for IRAS.. then Jasmine doing it till the end of the week.. geex.. then they requesting for manpower from the main branch.. dont know who will be coming over though.. doubt it'll be from the counters.. so will be meeting more new people ba.. i've begun to do recording at tmo.. haz.. back at main where recording was concerned.. we only did for WDL and RSD..now it's everything!!! my u can spend more than half a day doing recording lo.. haz. i'm beginning to cope w the new changes already.. there's always constant reminders that here we cannot afford to be what we were like at the main.. from opening chq box to tying up singpass forms.. it depends on the temps.. think the officers have started to warm up with us too.. so it's good i suppose..
nuff said about work.. there'll be class reunion dinner tml.. marina bay..steamboat i suppose..? shall see.. hmmx.. saw something on the bus on my way to work today.. sigh.. if only things could be like before.. how much i wish for it not to be such a dream.. it has been more than a year already..it began simple and yet it chose to grow.. sigh.. how much i wish for myself to be in that position but i dont think it's ever going to happen.. unlikely ba.. sigh.. i started to think about what happened before and tears began to form.. sad.. but nvm... when wil that moment come for me again..?even for something that simple..irregardless of the meaning..? how long do i have to wait..? maybe it's not a time to think about this now.. ha.. but it's a choice i've made and it'll stay.. the so called roles will just have to change.. some facts i will never learn.. i will just ignore..
if only i was the one... if only...

harloe..it has come to the end of the week.. or rather beginning..? Sunday has always been known as the beginning..? hmmx.. nevermind la.. basically i've been at cpf tampines for 6 days already.. it's still very unlike at the main but i have to get used to it right...? sigh.. must get used to the attitude of others and at the same time make sure i do not get influenced ba.. one of my supervisors at tampines commented that i'm very serious..? is that not good..? i have been like that at the main and i dont intend to change.. this week i've met many members who made me really pissed... already not enjoying myself a lot yet i still have to face up with them.. well..e customers are always right..
Life has been rotating around work and home.. i've been eating alot this week.. in the night la.. when i'm home and think about the unhappiness at work.. i'll just eat more and more chocolates..? they always say that chocolates works wonders to one's mood.. i agree.. haz. suan la..
Class gathering at leemin's house yesterday.. thanks for the buffet dinner ya? four+one guys came.. haz.. that one is jason la.. many of the guys are out in the wild this week... haz.. take care of yourselves lo.. hmmx.. was happy to be able to see the class again.. yalor..
One often ponder upon what is best for oneself... but time and again the circumstances always seem to act against what u wish to do.. haz... well.. when i finally did.. a great sense of relief fell upon me.. yup yup..
well well.. think results probably out in 2 weeks.. hope all goes well.. ok.. to all.. take care..

it has become such a dread and argh..it just suckz.. haiz.. where is everybody? i know i'm not the only grumpy one around.. but i'm already putting up a front.. u may ask why i stay on despite these unhappiness.. many reasons lie within.. one reason i want to prove what substance we have..what we have gained from the main office.. and also how would we know what situations we'll meet if we change jobs..? another reason..i dont wanna share.. geex. know what..? everything here is just so fake.. i dont know what goes on in the minds of those people around me..? i cant even be my normal self anymore.. this suckz... ARgh.. must be happy w what i do..but how..? will learn.. will learn.. geex.. and suddenly..where is everyone when i want to speak to someone..? :'(

geex..only second day and i'm traumatised by a customer.. i know u want to make ur point through..but mind u keep ur hands off me!! i thought it was all my imagination but it did not happen once twice or three times! it happened 4 times! sick man.. indeed life at the branch is totally unexpected.. it's a totally different culture..this has been so saddening.. the level of 'slackness' over there.. the sense of urgeny..what's this man!? i shouldnt be comparing but argh.. it's only the second day and each day i'm counting down to the end of day? haiz.. will have to get over it.. the main branch spirit stays with me and yuen shin and we both know that no matter what happens.. they'll be supporting us all the way.. geex.
i just read something.. haiz.. i now i'm nt the only one but.. suan le la.. let nature's take its course.. well... take care ppl.. i miss u all...

heyx all..Happy New Year to all.. to begin with..the week didnt begin very well.. firstly.. i was still down with flu and and started coughing since last friday? last friday was also the last day for gerald jacklin and huipeng.. hmmx.. ok then went to work on monday and had half day for tueday.. first day of new year watched seoul raiders with 3 cousins and my little brother.. then rotted the rest of the day away.. second day wasnt any better.. read at home la.. haz.whole day? ya.. then it was back to work.. on friday.. end of the day we had debrief.. could see it wasnt going to be very good news la.. well.. main office needed 2 persons to be transferred to tampines branch and another one to leave.. so basically yuen shin volunteered since she lived in tampines.. then i decided that since others were leaving kind of at the other end.. i'd go over la.. so yesterday was the last day at the main branch for me.. sigh..everything happened at such a rate.. it's time to learn to adapt ba.. we all leaving already..it's very sad.. wrote a short note for my colleagues.. Yati talked to me before i left.. Hendra shook my hand before he left.. suddenly all my memories at the main branch just overtook me..? hmmz..what to say? I'm thankful for the ERS 'family'..thanks to you people.. i'll miss all of you... Now there will only be 6 more ppl at the counters.. well.. on a more +ve note.. i'll get to work in a different environment..? get to meet more ppl.. hahaz. Ok.. shall see what happens tomorrow lo.. anyway.. Happy Valentine's Day to all.. hahaz.. Rather it should be Happy Friendship Day.. yeah.. I had a great day today.. simple yet very much comforting.. ok to all..take care.. till then. HUgz..

quite sometime since i last blogged? ok la.. 4 days now is considered quite a long time i guess..? well well.. life's been hectic? maybe.. hasnt been the way i expected la.. someone once told me.. "all my worries, i leave it to God. I deal with what i can handle, anything else the Lord gives me a hand. And also once u face the reality that life is never fair, u dont get disappointed as often." hmm..thanks for sharing sound advice..i appreciate it lots.. well.. as we begin to taste working life..we begin to appreciate the simple pleasures of sleeping in on Sundays..ha.. i guess soon it'll be time for me to take a break and then find something new.. sigh..
Right now..i'm in a dilemma.. i've no idea which way i should be headed for.. i've no idea what i want.. just living day by day.. why does it seem i'm only noticed when favours are needed..? sometimes it pains me just to be at home and noticing the things that are happening.. sometimes i sit there wondering if there's anything that i can do.. argh. even worst are the times i sit there and get shouted at just cos someone is not haPpy.. so what did i do to deserve all these? I'm trying my best to understand things..yet time and again i'm faced with different situations i have no idea what to believe..geex.
ok..shall stop.. no point going on.. chinese new year just around the corner.. to all Chinese, HappY New Year! Gong Xi Fa Cai! Xin Nian Kuai Le.. take care..take care...

ever lost something suddenly and told yourself that u could have done nothing more..? and that u moved on.. cheers..i admire all those who did.. i agree it's the stand to take about whether to let stuff bother u or not.. eh.. full of crap. think time at cpf is really running out.. i think it's time to leave.. take a break and find something new..? yeah. suddenly all seems to be coming back at me.. geex.. i dont know take care.